What Defines An Abuser? 8 Signs To Identify A Clinical Psychopath

"As Janay Rice came out to defend her husband 24 hours after he was cut from the Ravens, you can bet that was done out of her somehow being convinced that the incident that night was her fault.  The way abusers work is they are never wrong.  In his mind, it is likely he sees her at fault and deserving of his anger on that night. After he knocked her out, he kicked her legs to the side and treated her like a carcass, not a human being.  Being cut from the NFL will now forever be her fault behind closed doors, and she may feel if she forgives him so will the NFL and the public. There is no healthy way to look at that night and think that it was just a horrible nightmare.

These types of relationships are horribly addictive.  They cannot live with each other and they cannot live without each other. Narcissists have a grandiose attitude about life, themselves and their sense of entitlement. You add fame and fortune to a narcissistic personality and you get someone who will show psychopathic tendencies.  The narcissist will idealize his woman until he has her sucked in, he will then shut those emotions off and begin to devalue her verbally and emotionally, and then discard her either by leaving her, abusing her or somehow otherwise abandoning her. Once her loses her, he will start the whole cycle over again and idealize her.  He takes her to the very peak of her emotions, slowly pushes her out of his life with cruelty, confusion, abuse and abandonment, take her to the very bottom of her emotional pain where she is begging to be back in the relationship. He violates her the most at this bottom when she is at her weakest and then picks her back up and takes her to the very peak of her emotions again.

Taking her to the peak, then reinforces to her that he really does love her. He has since called her his "angel." She went from being totally dehumanized to being an angel.  To be idealized again, keeps her hooked even deeper because the extremes from the low of loss and abuse to the high of being his angel is so drastic that, for her, the good supersedes the bad and she learns to justify his behavior. This keeps her addicted and pathologically stuck in the relationship.

Janay is upset at public opinion in her latest Instagram message. Yet, as a public our hearts are reaching out for her. To see another human being treated so cruelly brings out our natural human empathy.  The hope is that she will learn to love herself enough to see the reality of her situation and be aware that loving herself is a quicker path to healing then hoping he will change.  Hope is dope for women in these situations and thus they stay.  As a public we love her and want her to see the light."-- Dr. Sherrie Campbell

8 Signs You are Dating a Psychopath by Sherrie Campbell, Ph.D.

Are you in a love-relationship with a psychopath?  Psychopaths are nearly impossible to detect.   They appear to be normal, happy, charming, wonderful people who have it together. They do not appear disturbed, callous or devious. They tend to be extremely successful, convincing and in control of their lives. So, unless you are clear on what to look for, you could end up in the worst and most confusingly devastating experience of your life. These experiences can be so devastating that you lose trust in yourself, you lose hope in people and become confused about who and what to believe.

Signs to look for:

1. Queen Bee:  Psychopath’s are smooth and move quickly in the beginning of a relationship. They take charge of the pace and comment endlessly on your beauty, intelligence and uniqueness in ways not previously verbalized to you where you felt you were genuinely seen for who you really are. Any insecurity you have he will build you up to think that he sees just the opposite in you. To be idolized feels amazing. It is designed to trigger that all-essential-feeling of wanting to be the most important person in another’s life. This is how he hooks you. Once this phase ends he will abruptly shut the attention off. Left confused and shocked you work tirelessly to get back to being his Queen Bee.  

2.  Soul Mates: Psychopath’s are chameleons and shape-change to make you believe that the two of you are soul mates, that no two people could possibly find a connection like you share.  He will mirror all your pain with a similar story and mirror all your interests as if they are also his.  All this is, is a game of copy-cat.  He has no real identity of his own and so he becomes you and mirrors you back to yourself. 

3. Chemistry:  Best sex you have ever had?  He will initially go out of his way to please you and give you the best sexual experience of your life only to get you hooked. Once you are hooked sex is also abruptly shut off and you’ll find yourself feeling insecure, rejected and doing what you can to get him to give it you again. Thus, you chase and he runs with all the control.

4. Devaluing:  Now that the idealizing phase is over, the psychopath sees you as prey and begins the process of chipping away at your self-esteem by devaluing you. This usually starts with the silent treatment. He silences you over something small making you feel as if you are the worst most flawed person in existence. Then he will begin to disappear and stop showing up in your life with any consistency leaving you guessing and insecure.

6. Discard: Once you have been devalued the next step is to discard you.  He has sucked you in with idealizing you, begins devaluing you making you feel desperate, confused and needy and then he ends it all by discarding you.  You no longer inspire him because he was able to capture and control you. Meanwhile he has pulled you completely off your rhythm and you’re left trying assemble the shards of yourself which have been strewn about, while he moves happily on to a new target. 

7. "Hovering”:  Psychopaths never go away because once they discard you, they still see you as “supply” for their attention needs. He doesn’t want you but he also doesn’t want you to move on. If he senses you are done with him he will begin showing up either passively or directly to try and “win” you back. This is called hovering.  Like a vacuum he wants to suck you back in.  He will promise you the world, go back idealizing you only to get you in his clutches to discard you again and start the process all over.

The only way to get rid of a psychopath is to cut communication and contact completely. As long as you stay in any kind of contact you fuel his games and his power over you. He will make your life very difficult. Do not get tricked by the hovering because all he’s looking for is to get you back into your position of being his “supply.” 

Little Life Message: Being ignored is a psychopaths kryptonite.

Dr. Sherrie, author of the new book, Loving Yourself: The Mastery of Being Your Own Person, has helped hundreds of moms, dads, teenagers, professionals and more with marriage and family therapy, grief counsellng, victimization, childhood trauma, sexual issues, personality disorders, illness and more. She has helped individuals manage their highest high and survive their lowest low.